And so... it was a day I left and went to Starbucks with a book, and cried out to God that I am just like anyone else and cannot hold it together any longer by trying to be a "good Christian wife." I know what the Bible says about divorce, but I see no other way. If there was a way I would follow it, but I only saw fog no matter how hard I tried. So in other words, I stopped trying. I had to for my sanity's sake. My best friend Melissa called just then and when I told her where I was and what I was contemplating, she and her husband Joe came to the coffee shop right away. We talked, and Joe prayed for me and Dan, begging me to not call it quits. I listened but did not hear. I went home, and agreed with God to keep going, just a bit longer. Then...
I went into the monitoring company who by now has changed to BI http://bi.com/ for my routine check in and was told some crazy news. Apparently the motion to reopen our case was denied back in February and even our lawyer kept it from us. All the while he tried all he could to turn the minds of the ones in charge because as he said - there was no reason for the denial, and it was one of those decisions people make according to their moods. And the guy in San Antonio who denied us apparently had a very bad day and for whatever reason stamped our case closed and done. Not in a good way. The agent assigned to my case placed an ankle monitor on me as she described the specifics about the green and red lights on it. I was in shock and could not believe what was happening but at the same time surprisingly calm and at peace. I was told my case was closed and I needed to go to Chicago and get my passport situation taken care of ASAP because I was in the process of being deported and had to leave the country in TWO weeks.
Driving home, I tried to let it all sink in but I was beaten down to the core by this time so I was immune to pain and felt nothing at all. Since we only had the van at this time, Dan was waiting on me to take him to a part time gig selling roofs he was attempting. He got in the car when I pulled into the garage and asked how my visit was, expecting to hear the usual. I lifted up the bottom of my pant leg and exposed the ankle monitor. I briefly told him what happened and that I had to leave the country in two weeks. I said it very matter-of-fact like, still in shock and tazed. He spoke sharply to me to stop the car and looked at me asking questions like - why are you taking me to work, and what are you doing? He said for us to go back into the house and do something about this. He said it did not end there. He took charge for the first time in a very long time. He said many things to me that day, but I knew nothing else mattered and he will fight for me. His job situation did not matter because in at least this - he still had it in him to fight for his princess. I felt loved again. I saw a glimpse in his eyes. I felt it in my bones coming straight from his heart. Even for just a moment. The eyes of my own heart were opened so that I saw Love, I knew I had hope and power, and the inheritance of victory in battle is mine.
I agreed with Dan that I would fight to stay with him. The easy way for me would have been to accept deportation and go willingly, and it would have made sense with our marriage situation. It would have been my "way out." There were moments I was tempted to look forward to being alone in a foreign land and have time to myself to get in shape and "find myself" and come back all chic like Sabrina. But when I looked at my knight in shining armor as I saw him this way for the first time since we first courted, I saw love and I could not turn away from love.
The warrior spirit returned to both of us. It was like we had something in common to fight for since fighting to survive financially was only dividing us and breaking us apart due to our differing views. We gave up fighting to keep our bodies fit and we lost the will to fight to make God "like" us. Just as we were, we offered ourselves to God and knew we could trust Him, that He has ordained all of this. Every circumstance won its battle against us but now the last battle for the win of the war was aimed at us directly. We mustered up any will to survive we had left and let go. There was much more we have not discovered yet. We became stronger together. The battle begun. I knew the road would be a lot harder but at the end of the day, I didn't want to end up singing "Rolling in the Deep."
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