We got used to the routine and kept going forward. Jelena spent her time planning for her wedding, and I stayed home with the kids, home-schooling and spending time with them. Early of 2010, Jelena was called into the surveillance company's office and an ankle monitor was placed on her because she lacked a specific document she had no idea about. I do not recall all the reasoning behind it, like I said, I hope she writes her own experience to describe the parts I have missed. So as I remember, the wedding shower at Plaka Greek Cafe (a Greek restaurant in Georgetown my mom and step-dad, George, own) was conducted with the bride-to-be cuffed with an ankle monitor under her jeans! She wore that monitor for two weeks I believe until the documents were provided - she was told if she did not provide the document, she would be deported and thus the need for the ankle monitor. In March of 2010, Jelena and Steve married at Gateway church, the way my sister had dreamed of. We had a beautiful ceremony, our oldest daughter, Claudia sang and Isabel and Gabriel were flower girl and ring bearer. The ceremony was exciting and fun, and it took place at the old Grapevine Theater on Main Street. As my mom reconciled with her cousin in Fort Wayne, IN we had our only cousins at the wedding as well as our aunt from Serbia we have not seen in many years. It was magical and beautiful.
March was also mine and Daniel's 14th wedding anniversary. Although this time should have been grand and blissful, for Daniel and myself it was anything but that. All the immigration mess aside, we were struggling like never before in our marriage. It seemed we were alright on the outside like so many marriages these days, attending a thriving church regularly, volunteering and having our kids involved. We even took a trips to try to hold the family together. These were the good times that probably did serve to keep us together...
While he worked in Galveston with a friend, Kenny, doing some plumbing work after the hurricanes hit, I and the kiddos joined him and stayed to play on the beach. Although we ate the Sam's Club mega boxes of mac and cheese EVERY day, his mom bought us before we left, it was a blessed opportunity for us to have fun and be together, enjoying life with our kids. We got a Route 44 Cherry Limeaid everyday between 2 and 4pm to share, and stepped on crabs at night as we walked on the beach. One week we saved enough and shared a dinner out and played miniature golf - even if just the kids played, after watching the volcano show across the street in front of Rainforest Cafe. During the holidays of 2009, we even took a trip to Branson, MO. What many did not know, we made that trip on like $300 (my mom gave us) for 5 days. It was a time share deal I had purchased before he got laid off, and we did not see any shows either; just went sight-seeing and had money for food and gas. But it was a fun family time nonetheless and we all enjoyed it very much! Especially running in our bathing suits in the freezing cold to the pool across the parking lot!
As much as we tried to make the best of things, we were not superhuman and the effects of our situations caught up to us no matter how hard we tried to suppress them. We had to get everything worked out and in the open but the fiery darts against us all happened at once. We were bombarded from every angle in our marriage while still wounded from the immigration trials.
Dan had fallen into despair after losing his job of 13 years, and after all the doors to ministry opportunities closed, he closed up and was unreachable. I could not work and begged him - and nagged of course - everyday, to get a second job or a better paying one. We had gotten into so much debt while he was looking for work and was unemployed, that this very low-paying job would in no way get us back on our feet. (very low-paying government job while he worked as an officer in a jail). I thought of how my mom worked two jobs without knowing the language well and not being documented and wished Dan had at least half that zeal for his family. I know some say that "undocumented illegals" take the jobs from Americans - but I have witnessed firsthand this to be untrue. For example, my mom accepted any job and worked as a grocery store bagger, envelope stuffer and metal sorter. She was happy to have a job and although she worked 70+ hours a week for very little money, she worked to provide as best she knew how. Our family never applied for any form of government assistance nor did my mom sue for child support. Dan was a capable middle-aged man who knew English well, is very intelligent and resourceful, capable of doing any job with perfection from management and audio engineering to cooking, plumbing and craftsmanship. But accepting a job at a retail store or Micky D's was out of the question, and like the cousin in Christmas Vacation, Eddie - he was "waiting for a management position". I think it's because we hold a certain pride in the US and have been conditioned to stay in our field, or not accept less b/c it will hurt our resume, and even legit hopes of achieving our dreams and working for ourselves get in the way of buckling down and doing whatever to get by. I know Dan went through a very rough time with no mentors alongside him, and I know he had no idea what to do and it was scary for him. He lost hope, became depressed, and resorted to sending resumes while expecting no one to respond - and no one did. There was no real effort and it seemed me and the kids were not worth fighting for. It seemed he has given up on us and even though our home was in foreclosure stages, he sat back expecting a miracle to drop from the sky... I at least wanted him to take this opportunity and take some college courses, but that did not work out either. I guess no matter how hard you try, you cannot change someone or "make" them do what you think they should. I was so humbled during this time, like never before. To be in such a weak spot in your lief that you have to accept food from other sources other than from the work of your hands is very degrading. I did not like the way I acted towards Dan, and came to the conclusion that he did not love me anymore. And this lie made me sad and I started to believe I did not want to be with someone who did not love me. Separation? That was the answer to wake Dan up, I thought. I wanted the movie and fairy tale - for him to fight for me and his family, try hard and give all he has like a knight in shining armor coming to our rescue. But then there was that promise of "for better or for worse." I thought I would go crazy and I know Dan was at the end of his rope too.
But instead, I became the nagging wife who is never satisfied and he the absent father who could not provide. We were very unhappy with each other and resorted to eating junk food and becoming as lazy as possible. I wanted to be the typical stay at home wife at the suburbia churches and was embarrassed to accept money from friends, gift cards from our church and even food. I was prideful, had an issue receiving help, and Dan was tired of me complaining.
We took financial classes and Dan started joining groups in which other unemployed individuals also looked for work. We tried marriage help at church and read books about it. We went to counseling and marriage classes. We were tried and tested in every way, even in ways of immorality I won't mention here. We were blessed by an awesome couple Gay and Russell from church to be given an opportunity to complete three weekends of an incredible conference called Discovery, through which we got rid of many demons in our lives. It was like freedom ministry on steroids. We attended a freedom conference called Kairos at our church. We picked ourselves up and dragged us bleeding and bruised, crawling up to each of these events. But each event was a very helpful reminder of God's love and a timely push to persevere.
In the midst of this, Dan began developing a heart murmur and we had to go to many hospitals and emergency rooms to try to figure out what in the world was going on. We got deeper and deeper in debt with added medical bills. I was so mad at him that I could not even be symphatetic as he wanted me to be and as I wanted myself to care. Dan was fearful of the worst, and I wished it were me. Immigration did not matter anymore and I started to wish they would just come and take me away. I was at the end of my rope myself and I just hope we hid it from our kids well enough. I know we hid it pretty well from everyone else.
To recap this year, it started with severe financial difficulty, major debt, then a low-paying job, heart problems for Dan including many hospital and ER visits, marital strife for the both of us and talks of separation, we got fat again, our home on the verge of being taken from us and all savings and 401K spent. We were exhausted in the area of ministry, felt the sifting like crazy and wanted out. BOTH of our cars died - like engines blew up and everything - and we had to borrow money from Dan's parents in order to get a used van. (1997 used). I felt like a failure in homeschooling my kids and I cried daily while feeling like I was a "bad mother." I was anything but a supportive wife and Dan was not a provider and leader we both know he can be. Hopelessness was the buzz word we were tempted with. It was the hardest year of our lives and one we thought we would never recover from.
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