The In-Between Years

Many years passed and my life had been "normal" as I had mentioned before. Although I could not leave the country, Daniel and I took many trips within the US and managed to have fun.  I had buried the immigration stuff and hoped it would never appear. My sister and I secretly applied for the Green Card Lottery one year, but did not win. I did not tell Dan about any of this still.  My dad would mail us forms to sign from time to time, which we did and sent back. He advised us to keep going to the office in San Antonio and get our work authorization cards, but I was so fed up with all of this, and wanted nothing to do with it. I did not want to think about it nor hash it up again. I mean I buried the problem right? Too bad things do not go away when you just try to forget about them.  At one time or another, everything comes out in the open - either by us bringing them up and working on the issue, or having to face it at the most inopportune times. I would chose the former if I had to do it again.

In 2003, Daniel and I experienced God in a way I wish for everyone.  I have not been the same since.  My life has been a roller coaster ride that I would need a volume of books to explain with.  Daniel worked for a direct marketing company and I was an associate selling the nutritional products. During an international event in 2004, a strange man from Korea named Dan Hahn came up to me as I was sitting outside of the Dallas Convention Center. He explained to me that he is prophet of God and begun to tell me some remarkable things that would occur in my life. He mentioned things I never said to anyone, including my favorite verse in the Bible : Matthew 6:33.  He brought up the green card. He told me that things would end in this department and within 3 years my family would get a green card. My mom did, in 2007.  At the time though, I was like - okay, whatever. I did not care about that. But something stirred in me when he brought it up. Like - how dare he? It was personal and hidden. I liked it that way. I got some old familiar negative feelings back, feelings of discomfort and rejection.  I knew he had no way of knowing this other than the fact that God actually revealed it to him.  So because of this, I knew it was time to bring it up again. I thought about it, and felt maybe we would just get it in the mail and it would be a discrete ordeal. YAH!

Shortly after, I was reading a book by T. D. Jakes called "Woman Thou Art Loosed," which I grabbed from my mom's library, just because I knew he was a Christian preacher.  The book was mainly about freeing women from the spirit of abuse, focusing specifically on different abusive situations women go through, and helping to get the shame off and deal with the hurts.  As I read that book, everything pointed to my situation of immigration. Everything I read correlated to my situation and although the subjects are very different, the underlying message was the same. It was a false message actually:

"Because this happened to you (abuse, neglect, trauma from someone behaving in an evil way against you or in my situation - my parents brought me over and now the government saw me as a fugitive for nothing I did) you are different in the worst way, shame on you, you do not belong, you are not like the others.  You are unwanted, we don't want the likes of you in our neighborhoods, or anywhere in this country. Go hide! Go back home!  You are as a leper. Don't tell anyone your secret. No one will want to be your friend. No one wants the likes of you around." ETC...

The idea of telling Dan and dealing with my shame before him was more than I could bear but it would not leave me alone. It was such a strong pulsing tremor in my head - for me to tell Daniel about my situation.  After weeks of trying to fight the overwhelming urge to come out clean, I finally spit it out on a drive back home form Austin. It was night-time, and the kids were a sleep int he car. I remember how long it took me to get it out. I cried uncontrollably and Dan was wondering what in the world it could be. It was not adultery as I told him, so he hadn't a clue. It was like a feeling of nausea and every discomfort imaginable - but why?

Why did I believe a lie that I was at fault and this was such a shameful thing is beyond me now.  How could I allow such a huge stone in my heart that has kept me down for so many years?   Why did something someone else did cause me to feel shame and keep it a secret as it were my fault?  Why did I allow the media, the government or other people who spoke about similar situations to make me feel unwanted and untouchable?

After I told Dan, he simply said, okay, and I looked at him like - really? That's it? He understood that it hurt me and I obviously felt a release when I told him about it, but he did not understand why. He wanted to know why I did not tell him earlier and I explained that I could not bear to have him hate me for it and treat me different. Then I felt bad for not trusting him enough. Overall, it was a HUGE step for me, and afterward, such weight lifted off of me that I could breathe like I could not remember when.

Now that Dan knew, I told him that we would have to get a lawyer to take care of my situation, but since we were not in a good financial standing, it did not matter to me. We needed money for bills and other things, so we both placed it on the back burner this time.  We did not mess with the idea, and lived as we have been.

I had gotten a part-time job at our church at that time, but did not tell anyone about my situation.  I used my social security number, my driver's license, as in the past, but I felt so convicted this time. Although I considered myself a citizen, and certainly a Texas Resident, I blocked out the fact that I needed paperwork to substantiate this. It was an area I avoided, and I took on the oblivious attitude regarding this. But the nagging feeling of  "I must say something or quit," continued. At the time, I took on the responsibility of trying to homeschool my kids, so I quit the job at church and my feelings changed.  Again, things seeemed to be leveled out and my secret buried again. I was relieved that I had a reason now to stay at home and did not have to look for work and pretend I was legal. Although we could have defintely benefited from the extra money from me working, I beleive the times I spent at home with the kids were the best opportunity I ever got. In all things, God works everything for my good.